Ride Reports
Saturday 19th June 2021
B2 Ride Report: Chipping (Route 2) - Miriam Sturdee
TLDR: 12 of us did Trough. Was pretty cool.
SCENE: 11 CYCLISTS OF VARYING ABILITIES MEET BEHIND A PUB. A SOLO FEMALE RIDER IN AN ORANGE WIND CHEATER RIDES UP.
VOICEOVER: Somebody's granny once said, "if you eat too many sausages, you'll turn into one!". Dear reader, that day had come!
At the Bellflower our illustrious Ride Leader Sir Chris Jones suggested a wind cheater was not needed... "well check out my GIANT SAUSAGE ARM!" I proclaimed, whipping it off, then "is anyone a doctor? This is pretty bad."
No opinions were offered, so CJ asked who else had the route loaded (stony silence). (More stony silence).
TUMBLEWEED ROLLS PAST.
EXTERIOR, DAYTIME, 12 CYCLISTS SET OFF NORTH.
It'll be ok, I thought. I did the Trough Last Year. I didn't die. Plus Paul has deflated my front tyre to protect Les Saucisse Bras Grande from undue bumpage. It didn't work, but luckily the plucky Annette kept me true and found all the best routes.
That Rogue Cassar tried to distract attention from me and my huge sausage arm by dropping his chain then keeling over out of Scorton, but I maintained a decent moaning average right through to the Thigh Burner (and a PB!). Was not quite as shite at hills as I thought, nor did any of the Twelve disappoint. It has to be said that we are all Excellent Cyclists.
EXTERIOR, DAYTIME, CLOUDY WITH SUNNY SPELLS, 12 CYCLISTS STOP AT A JUNCTION IN DUNSOP BRIDGE. TWO MOTORCYCLISTS GO BY.
"Which cafe?" was the question on CJ's mind... Chipping was voted in for novelty and new bicycle parking - tri-style no less! However this also meant a longer pre-sausage trek. Instead of the bridge leading Whitewell-wards CJ abruptly turned off toward the Boar Park. "I don't like this way", said Big Ring Dave. Reader, nor did I, it turned out. It looked flat but was a Right Bar***d.
EXTERIOR, LUNCHTIME, CYCLISTS QUEUE AT CHIPPING FARM SHOP. A SIGN TELLS CUSTOMERS ONLY TWO PEOPLE ALLOWED INSIDE AT ONE TIME.
By a stroke of fortune I was only third in the sausage line, and the proprietor came out and said she'd take Bulk Bap orders. "Just the sausages for me" I said "- no bap" - upon receipt of said sausages she winked and said "See, I look after you". Delicious.
There was a concern about Harris End Fell and whether a toilet would be needed. CJ, gallantly found us some public loos (in good nick - ladies only had bogroll in one though) and soon we were raring to go. Sadly we lost Roy. Roy had followed the OTHER toilet sign and was ten miles away. Luckily Feroz called him back. In the meantime, Annette and Paula invited other passing cyclists to "Be Roy" to speed things up, but sadly we had no takers. We also discovered that cyclists don't use Bumble, but one guy was single. Sorry everyone, we forgot to get his details to pass on!
ASIDE TO CJ (sotto voce): "Were you joking about Harris End? I ran out of legs a while back at the Boar Park..."
EXTERIOR, ANOTHER DANGEROUS JUNCTION FULL OF CYCLISTS WHO DANCE WITH DEATH. THEY ARE ANIMATED AND DISCUSSING HARRIS END FELL. A CAR COMES BY AND NEARLY TAKES OUT SECRET AGENT CERVELO JACKSON.
"Let's do it" said Paula! Turns out a mile later she was joking. Vinny had gone home the shorter way at this point and there was dissent in the ranks. We split up, the gallant Knights of GCC set off the hardest possible way to get extra hill, and CJ, Dave W and the assorted peas and bean went the easy way. We came across a large, unescorted German Shepherd guard dog, which decided it'd be fun to run at us. "Protect us Dave!" We shouted. He threw himself and his bicycle between the dog and us and thankfully nobody was mauled.
Not a lot else happened. Tired legs made their way home. But we all agreed it was a Grand Ride Indeed.
PROLOGUE: NHS 111 checks out sausage arm. No action taken. Awaiting further sausaging. The writer is drinking Aperol Spritz in a deck chair.
POV: CAMERA FOCUSES ON IPHONE, THEN LONG ZOOM OUT UNTIL WE SEE ALL OF THE FYLDE COAST. FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE: 11 CYCLISTS OF VARYING ABILITIES MEET BEHIND A PUB. A SOLO FEMALE RIDER IN AN ORANGE WIND CHEATER RIDES UP.
VOICEOVER: Somebody's granny once said, "if you eat too many sausages, you'll turn into one!". Dear reader, that day had come!
At the Bellflower our illustrious Ride Leader Sir Chris Jones suggested a wind cheater was not needed... "well check out my GIANT SAUSAGE ARM!" I proclaimed, whipping it off, then "is anyone a doctor? This is pretty bad."
No opinions were offered, so CJ asked who else had the route loaded (stony silence). (More stony silence).
TUMBLEWEED ROLLS PAST.
EXTERIOR, DAYTIME, 12 CYCLISTS SET OFF NORTH.
It'll be ok, I thought. I did the Trough Last Year. I didn't die. Plus Paul has deflated my front tyre to protect Les Saucisse Bras Grande from undue bumpage. It didn't work, but luckily the plucky Annette kept me true and found all the best routes.
That Rogue Cassar tried to distract attention from me and my huge sausage arm by dropping his chain then keeling over out of Scorton, but I maintained a decent moaning average right through to the Thigh Burner (and a PB!). Was not quite as shite at hills as I thought, nor did any of the Twelve disappoint. It has to be said that we are all Excellent Cyclists.
EXTERIOR, DAYTIME, CLOUDY WITH SUNNY SPELLS, 12 CYCLISTS STOP AT A JUNCTION IN DUNSOP BRIDGE. TWO MOTORCYCLISTS GO BY.
"Which cafe?" was the question on CJ's mind... Chipping was voted in for novelty and new bicycle parking - tri-style no less! However this also meant a longer pre-sausage trek. Instead of the bridge leading Whitewell-wards CJ abruptly turned off toward the Boar Park. "I don't like this way", said Big Ring Dave. Reader, nor did I, it turned out. It looked flat but was a Right Bar***d.
EXTERIOR, LUNCHTIME, CYCLISTS QUEUE AT CHIPPING FARM SHOP. A SIGN TELLS CUSTOMERS ONLY TWO PEOPLE ALLOWED INSIDE AT ONE TIME.
By a stroke of fortune I was only third in the sausage line, and the proprietor came out and said she'd take Bulk Bap orders. "Just the sausages for me" I said "- no bap" - upon receipt of said sausages she winked and said "See, I look after you". Delicious.
There was a concern about Harris End Fell and whether a toilet would be needed. CJ, gallantly found us some public loos (in good nick - ladies only had bogroll in one though) and soon we were raring to go. Sadly we lost Roy. Roy had followed the OTHER toilet sign and was ten miles away. Luckily Feroz called him back. In the meantime, Annette and Paula invited other passing cyclists to "Be Roy" to speed things up, but sadly we had no takers. We also discovered that cyclists don't use Bumble, but one guy was single. Sorry everyone, we forgot to get his details to pass on!
ASIDE TO CJ (sotto voce): "Were you joking about Harris End? I ran out of legs a while back at the Boar Park..."
EXTERIOR, ANOTHER DANGEROUS JUNCTION FULL OF CYCLISTS WHO DANCE WITH DEATH. THEY ARE ANIMATED AND DISCUSSING HARRIS END FELL. A CAR COMES BY AND NEARLY TAKES OUT SECRET AGENT CERVELO JACKSON.
"Let's do it" said Paula! Turns out a mile later she was joking. Vinny had gone home the shorter way at this point and there was dissent in the ranks. We split up, the gallant Knights of GCC set off the hardest possible way to get extra hill, and CJ, Dave W and the assorted peas and bean went the easy way. We came across a large, unescorted German Shepherd guard dog, which decided it'd be fun to run at us. "Protect us Dave!" We shouted. He threw himself and his bicycle between the dog and us and thankfully nobody was mauled.
Not a lot else happened. Tired legs made their way home. But we all agreed it was a Grand Ride Indeed.
PROLOGUE: NHS 111 checks out sausage arm. No action taken. Awaiting further sausaging. The writer is drinking Aperol Spritz in a deck chair.
POV: CAMERA FOCUSES ON IPHONE, THEN LONG ZOOM OUT UNTIL WE SEE ALL OF THE FYLDE COAST. FADE TO BLACK.
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