THE BROADMAN CHRONICLES Chris Boardman was on of Britain’s most successful time trialists, Olympic Champion, hour record holder, but now he has retired it is down to the later generation to carry on the great tradition, only trouble is he is still in kindergarten! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ DISK by Billy Broadman age 5 Last seesun wos veri frustratin for mee, I cudnt go eny faster sew ther is obviusly sumthin missing, i’ve lucked at orl these top racing cyclists & the only thing that they have out of commun with me, apart from spelling, is that thay orl use one of them disk weels. So I lucked thru my comic to sea if there wos eny 12 inch ones for sail cheap but there werent eny, mind you I dont suppose you’d expect there to be in the Beano, so I asked daddy wot they wos maid of & he sed it wos carbun fibre, I asked him if we had eny in the garige but he sed there wosnt eny. I asked him if there wos enything in there we cud use to maike one, but he sed orl there wos were sum timber & sum MDF, “thats wot that Micel Hutchinson has writen on his disk weel” I showted, but daddy sed he thort that that wos MDT, I sed to him, MDF, wot dus that stand for”? And he sed it stud for Medium Density Fibre, “maybe MDT stands for Medium Density Timber then likes in the garige daddy” I sed, but he didnt seam convinsed! Enyway he agreed to try & maike me a disk wheel out of that MDF stuff, he put it on his saw & cut owt a circul & then he sez, “hand me the spoke shave Billy”, I sed to him, “luck dad I know I’m only 5 but even I know that there’s no bludi spokes in a disk weel, enyway this spoke shave thing wos to carve owt the rim to where you stic the tub on & that wos the next problum, were do you get a 12 inch diamiter tub from? Well daddy had sum old ones of my uncle Chris Broadman wen he used to tyme trial, so he got mummy to cut them up with her sissors & then sow them up on her sowing machine, orl we had to do now wos stic the 12 inch tub on with gluw & drill a hole for the hub & put a hub in, but daddy left that to me as he wos gettin cheased off by then. So the furst tyme trial of the seesun turns up & I turns up with my knew disk weel, sprayed blak & with MDF writen on it. I lines up for the start behind this litul kid & I sez to myself, “I’m havin him in the furst 5 miles”, I wos really up for it! 54321 go, & off I goes, well, this wos the advantige i’d bin lucking for, I wos goin like a bloodi train & wos catchin that kid up hand over wrist, pritty soon I wos write behind him & abowt to overtake him wen orl of a suden I grownds to a holt & I sees this dark thing cum over my hed, it wos the disk weel & it hits this kid smak on the back of his hed & he crashis intu a farmyard & theres hens & bludi sheep flyin in orl directiuns bifore he lands in a heep & stops. Well I know now why they corls them ‘teerdrop helmits’, bicos there were plenty of teers droppin owt of his for a gud while! So daddy runs over to me & sez, “ didnt you titen up the skuwer Billy” & I sez “wot skuwer daddy”? That woz that then, thay tuk my knew disk weel off me & banned me from compeeeting for 6 weeks, next tyme I’m just goin to take banned substences then I’ll be abel to get off with just a cortion with a bit of look! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inturnational by Billy Broadman age 5 This March daddy tuck me on my furst inturnational event in a place far away from where we live on the Wirrul corled Yorkshire, daddy sed the natives are corled trykes or sumthing & when we got there I could tell we wos in a foriegn land bicos I cudnt understand a bludi thing they sed. Enyway I stands abowt lucking at orl these local foreign bikes wot were corled Piranelos & Canalbotes & this clowd cums over & drops a bit of alestones & I wos gettin a bit cold standing abowt at the start readying myself for the off dressed only in my Assos romper suit, but sune this tryke corls owt my number & I gets reddy to go. I wos a bit wurried I wudnt be able two understand the countdown but he seamed to be able to master sum basic English so it wosnt a problem. So off I goes & gets down on the try bars, I corl them that bicos when I get down on them Im really tryin, I gets to the left turn at the furst roundabowt & a soddin gail force wind hits me in the face, o heck I thort, this is going to be painful! Enyway I carried on but as I lucked up at the furst hill I cud see this big blak clowd cumin twowards me, well everywhere suddenly went pich blak & the next thing I no Im in a blizard & pritty soon the snow has cuvered the frunt of my full face helmit that wosnt fitted with windscreen wipers, o heck I thort I cant see, I dicided then to stop but wen I tried two get owt of the peduls the bludi things were frozen to my cleets. O christ I sed, I cant see enything & I cant stop pedulling, I dicided then to panic but lukily I managed to clip owt & I grownds to a holt. So Im standing there at the side of the rode not nowing where I wos in a blizard, I started to cry but soon as I did the bludi teers froze over my eyes & I cud seee even less so I kicked that idea intu tuch. And I’d heard that in forein lands they has wot are corled polar bears, that are bears wot use hart rate moniturs, I startid to get fryghtened then & then owt of the glume cums this white figure wearin a hart rate monitur so I showtid owt “help, I’m goin to get eaten”, but then I sees this thing is ridin a bike I new that bears can’t ride bikes so it had two be just anuther competitur. So I still hadn’t a clew where I wos, then sudenly I thort I wud luck at my compewter & it sed 4.7 mile, “I must be only .3 miles from the turn then” I thort, so I gets on the bike agen & within minits I’m owt of the blizard & in sunshine. Well then the winds behind me it blue me bak to the start like a bat owt of ell, in fact I wos goin so fast I had to brake half a mile bifore the timekeeper so he wudnt miss me goin past him. So I gets bak to daddy, bursts intu teers & told him abowt bean lost in the blizard, bludi polar bears & I want two go home immedietly, so daddy throws everythin including me into the car & we set off back to England so fast that I wos still suffering from the jet lag a week later, stuff forein competitiiun, in future I’m stickin tu the Ellesmere evening 10! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- HILL CLIMB TIME-or not by Billy Broadman age 5 After the finul tyme trial of the seeson daddy & my uncle Chris Broadman sed to me that I shud do sum hill climes, I sed wot are thay & uncle Chris sed that as I am veri lite I wud be gud at them. So I turned up at the WETTS ivent which is the Wirrul Evening Tyme Trial Seris, daddy sed I had to set of & finish at the top of this hil, so I goes to the start & the bloke grabs my saddle lyk they do in flat tyme trials, then he stix a stone bihind my bak wheel, hadn’t a clue why, so the starter sez 3 2 1 go & I waited for the pusher off to push me, but he didnt, he just let me go & I bludi fel over & cullapsed in a heep, no wunder helmits are compulsery for kids if thats wot ofissials do to them. So uncle Chis explayns that in hill climes you dont get a push, a bit bludi late then, enyway, the next one wos the Cat & Piddle, it must be corled this bicos of the rain thats there, it wos poring down, they had a piece of wood toput behind your wheel there & it went floting off down the hill into Maclesfeeld when I arived. So I’m on the start line waitin for the start & gettin soked, off I goes up the hill & theres worter everiwhere, it wos like shooting the rapids uphil & I gets to the top this hil & theres a board sayin ‘5 miles to the finnish’. FIVE MILES, well after ages I gets to the finnish line & I’m soked to the skin, I colapsed in a heep & asked the bloke where I got the lift bak to the start & he told me I had to soddin well ride bak on the bike, I wosnt best pleased with daddy & uncle Chris I can tell you! So the next one thay entered me for was at up a Ramsbottom corled the Raike, they sed it wosnt 6 miles this one only ded short, so I lines up at the start & the first bit lucked a bit steep but I set off, well to say I wos out of breath by the time I got to the top of that bit was an understatemunt, & ther wos no sine of the finnish flag so I goes a bit further, well a lot further actualy. Enyway I keeps goin , then I cums to this corner, turns right & thers orl these peeple & the bludi road wos orlmost vurticul, well I got out of the sadle & tries to clime it, my legs were achin like ell, my tellytubby heart rate monitur wos beepin like beeps were goin out of fashiun & it wos pur bloody torture, enyway I gets to the finnishin line & this bara medic bloke grabs old of me & sticks this thing with a pipe atached to it over my mowth, I lucked at the tellytubby hrm & it wos showin 286, then it orl went black. When I woke up I was luckin over a wall at a graveyard, christ I’m dead I thort, but as I gayned conscionus I could hear these bara medics sayin, “we’ll have to surgicaly rimove him from his pedals”. Enyway, once I recuvered daddy & uncle Chris cum over, “don’t cum near me you two” I showted, “you’d better get yourselvs a soliciter bicos he’ll be hearin from mine & the NSPCC, child cruelty is a sirrius offence, bludi hill clymes, youll get 5 years for this”! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Towr of Londun by Billy Broadman age 5 In July daddy sed wud I like to go to Londun & see the Towr but I told him I wosn’t bothered abowt going bicos I’d been to the Towr of Londun orlredy on a skool trip & it wosn’t a veri nice building enyway cos it wos orl abowt torture & sufering, a bit like bike racing reely! But then daddy sed it wosnt the Towr of Londun he wos talking abowt but the towr de france, I looked at him funny like & sed didn’t they have a decent map if they were that lost they ended up in England? Well daddy sed that apparuntly the towr de france starts off in diferent countries every yeer bifore they get to racing in france & this yeer its in Londun for a thyme trial, so off I goes & gets owt my thyme trial bike for daddy to put on the roof of his car, so he sez to me “what are you getting your bike owt for Billy” & I sed that if there’s a red tick next to it in my comic I can enter on the line. But daddy looks at me sideways & sez “this is the towr de france Billy, you wont be able to race in it”, but I told him “luck dad, if they’re having a thyme trial in this country they’ll have to be afiliated to CTT & my £6.50 is as gud as theirs is”. Enyway, he explaned that these blokes didn’t pay £6.50 like we do in England, they get it paid by their clubs & they get paid for racing as well, he sed sum of them get paid millions of pennies like my uncle Chris Broadman used to, but uthers wot are corled domestos or sumthing only get paid abowt £6.50, which is prisumubly to cuver their entry fee. So off we went in daddys car to Londun & when we got there orl the taxis wot are in centrul Londun blowin their horns at eech uther were gone & they were riplaced by this thyme trial course, well it wos more like one of them grand pree circits that has barriers orl the way round to stop the cars killing the spectatoes, christ I thort, these racing cyclists must be bludi quick if they have to protect the public from them with armco! Enyway, we’re stud abowt for ages at the side of this racetrack & nothins hapening wen orl of a suden theres orl this curmotion & daddy sez “it’s the towr caravan”, well I lucked down the rode but I cudn’t see eni bludi caravan but then I sees orl these vehicules approaching, theres these cars with snails & long loaves of bred on top of them cumin past, it wos more like the Birkenhead carnivul than a bike race, & theyre orl throwin stuff owt at the spectatoes & littering the capital’s streets, wot a cheek I thort cuming over hear & throwin rubbish everiwhere. So I’m stud there & this car shaped like a botul of worter stops along side us & this kid throws a botul of worter out & it neerly hits me, you litul sod I showts to him, then I picks it up & lobs it back at him & it hits him smack in the midul of his hed, mummy & daddy lucked at me sort of horified & I sed “I’m not surprised that you’re luckin at me horified, he cud have had my bludi eye owt with that”! So finally this lot buggers off & they get reddy for the racing, well, I’m not surprised that they had to protect the public from the riders bicos this lot were seriusly quick, they were goin past like trains thrugh a station, then orl of a suden this bloke goes by us & gets his line wrong & hits the bludi barriers, “STREWTH MITE” he shouts owt & goes spinnin down the track sendin the crowd on both sides runnin backwards to avoid flyin debris, it wos fritening to wotch! Then a bit later this bloke cums flyin past us in a red skin suit that sez ‘Copidex’ on it & I sez to daddy “ I recugnize him from a Levuns 10 I did, hes corled Badly Swiggin or sumthing, hes not that fast dad he only beet me by abowt an hour, he’ll take a right old kickin from these incontinental riders, but give him his jew, he cum in abowt forth or sumwhere so he must have improved a fare bit since I gave him that hamering at Levuns. Well this thyme trial went on until abowt seven oclock at nite & by the thyme we got back home to the Wirrul I wos fast asleep, but not as fast as them tour riders, it’no wunder they had too close down centrul Londun to protect the taxis cos those racing cyclists wud have made mincemeet out of orl those deesel belching cabs! |
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